Happy 30th birthday!

 

                                        

How many tears is enough?

My dearest Em.  Today you would be 30!  By now you should be married with children.  You and Cam would have gone to several states by now and would have had a few birthdays together.  But, unfortunately, we don’t get to choose our life plans even though we believe we can.

It’s just a few days short of it being 4 years.  I truly don’t know how we have survived.  But then again, I’m not sure this is living.  By now, any one would have thought that I have no more tears to cry, but they just keep coming.  Others who have been where I am now, say that eventually you will learn how to continue with a happy life.  But I haven’t figured out how.

I know that you and Cam would be so close.  He is much like you.  He loves being with people and is always having a good time no matter what he is doing.  Like you, he loves to see others smile.

It has only been 4 short years, but it seems like a lifetime.  So much has changed.  But I know you are looking down and you know our every move.  You have seen every tea I have cried.  But Em I miss you so much!! I’m so lost without you.  I haven’t learned how to survive without you.   I don’t know how.  

I don’t know why we have been given this life sentence.  It’s not fair that Cam and Luke have to grow up not knowing you.  Kase should not be given the harsh task at six to leaning how to live without you.  None of us should have to learn that.

I know you see my struggle.  Everyone says that God has a plan.  Everything is in his timing.  Well Em, I don’t like it and I don’t understand.  I guess you can say I’m doing ok, but everyday if I get out of bed, it’s been a good day.

The past 2 days have been extremely hard, I don’t know how I’ll make it through another year!  I miss everything about you.  Your laugh, smile, witt and humor, your hugs and your love. 

Tomorrow we will celebrate your birthday without you.  I know you are not in any pain.  You’re with your baby, Grandaddy and Grandma.  But I grieve without you here.  

I wish I had your strength,  your wisdom.  I don’t pray because I don’t know what to pray for.  I prayed for you to be safe, that prayer was denied.  I still believe, but I don’t know how my life is supposed to be better without you or how something good is supposed to come from this.  All I can see is pain.

This is not how I dreamed our lives would be.  I will forever try to understand.

Just know that this birthday will be celebrated just as much as all of the others.  Unfortunately God has chosen that we have to celebrate without you.

I love you and miss you!!  But one day we’ll be together again.  Until then Em have a beautiful day.