Trying to Have a Little Faith

I have spent many, many years here in the Dominican Republic.  It has always been a place of peace and rejuvenation.  This trip has been very very different.  I came here to feel that again. I thought that if I was here, I would somehow be closer to God. Yea I know!! What was I thinking!!

I don’t know that the thinking was as big as the hoping.

I have realized this week that places don’t bring peace or happiness.  That has to come from within.  And I still don’t know how to get that back.  It’s so far from my reach.

Sometimes I revisit that day. No matter how painful it is, I go there because somewhere in my small mind, I think I can change the outcome.

I don’t understand how God is trying to make me stronger when I’m so broken.

Why did the God that I believe in, knowingly let me suffer the same that he suffered, and there is no explanation as to why?? Am I so great of a disciple, that you would allow me to lose my child?? For what good? For who’s good?? What glory comes from this? I still pray to you and believe in you, but that doesn’t mean I agree or understand.

You’ve created a 7.2 magnitude earthquake in my life and have given me no tools to respond.

How do you stop the chatter inside your head? How much more understanding is needed to quiet those voice? How much more intimate do I need to know about myself than where I’m at right now?

Lord help me make sense of it!!

I have learned you have to train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or else you’ll lose yourself every time.

I'm not only broken, I am functioning alcoholic, schizophrenic, multiple personality disorder, fucked up individual that is just trying to make it through one day as a functioning normal adult.

I search, but don’t know what I’m searching for. I pray, and I don’t know what I’m praying for.  It’s like depression when you’re spiraling down, deeper and deeper into that black hole. 

You look at yourself in the mirror and don’t even know who that person is.  It’s not me, it’s not the me I want to be.

 “You lose something every day you live, sometimes It’s

 as tiny as the breath you just expelled, sometimes 

it’s so big you think you won’t survive it.” - 

'The Next Person You Meet In Heaven'