"Your Spirit will go weary from trying to survive...Angela Miller"

 

So many things I don’t get. All goes back to family that just doesn’t show up.  It’s been 2 years and 10 months.  When you lose friends, you are forced to somewhat look at your own mortality. But when you lose a child, it’s somewhat “In your face” kind of deal. However, my fear of dying, died with Em. I’m no longer afraid.  I know at that time she and I will be reunited.

I’ve thought that if I live as long as either of my parents, I have a good thirty years left.  Which goes faster and faster. With that reality, I’m reminded that I will live that without her. 

I’ve seen many families devastated after a loss. I look at Cam and Luke and think how much their lives would have been enriched by Em. That’s the selfishness human part of me. I also think that, when they get older, I don’t want them to say “Nanny was so sad”.  It’s an ugly fight between grief and happiness. People say you have so much to be thankful for. Trust me!! I know that and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about that

I so want to be happy. But there’s a dark cloud that chases me. Day after day, I fight it. Every day, today is the day. And when the morning comes, I still want to go back to sleep.  I pull the covers up, close my eyes as tight as I can. But reality comes back. 

Even this long, waking up is the hardest decision I have to make is to get out of bed.

It gets better they say. But no, it doesn’t. You just get better at saying, no, not today. I’m not going there today.

 

The world keeps spinning, but I’m standing still.