So God loved your child more that Em?

 I need to preface this with a warning that this is not directed at anyone. It is just another graphic side of grief most people do not see.

I’m still having trouble understanding God and his will, his plan and whatever you want to call it. Why my daughter died? Why did he choose not to save her? It’s hard to understand and I probably won’t ever. I’ve seen many miracles being in healthcare, but Em wasn’t one of them. 

I've seen it said that God orchestrated all the people in our path? So he orchestrated good people in your path, and bad in Em's path? Well, you see, I don't believe that. I am not sure he orchestrates anything!! You can't mean to tell me that this was his "plan"? So God loved your child more than Em? Did we not pray enough? Did we not have enough faith? Were we punished because of what one of us did wrong in our past? See none of this has crossed your mind, because of the outcome.

Please don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want ANYONE to go through what our family has went through. For us, or me, it wasn't just losing Em, but it was losing her at the hands of the medical professionals that I trusted.

Praise him on the storm? Would you fell the same if things turned out differently? Would your faith still be that strong? You may think you would, but I truly have my doubts. I can tell you there is nothing in this life that can ever happen that will be this difficult. You struggle to understand, you struggle to remain sane, struggle to keep your marriage together, your siblings, parents, nieces and nephews. Struggle to forgive (which hasn't come, and probably never will).

You say you’re prepared for any outcome, but there is no way you can say that. Because if you lose your child, I can promise you no matter who strong your faith, you are not prepared for that kind of pain.

One other thing that even I said before, "everything happens for a reason". I will try not to use profanity in responding, BUT THIS IS SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH!! Another saying "something good will come from this!" Another profanity word that I want say!! Tell me truthfully and honestly, what good came out of Em dying, Dylan, Will? All the other young people, Demaryrius? 

I can tell you all the bad!! Cam, and Luke will never know how much Em loved them, how much fun and laughter she would have brought to their lives. She will never know that joy that she was so excited about.

Making the decision to just get out of bed is still the hardest decision I have to make daily. Not a day goes by without thinking of her. You still question the events of that week. Over and over. The pain is just as great today as it was that day. It doesn't get easier, you just get better at protecting your emotions. You never know where or when it becomes overwhelming and you just have to find a quiet place to cry and try to compose myself.