Broken....
Love me deep into the dark parts of my soul so that they too know light.
The deepest pain I ever felt was denying my own feelings to make everyone else comfortable.
I am a lover of words and tragically beautiful things, poor timing and longing, and all things with soul, and I wonder if that means I am entirely broken, or of those are the things that have been keeping me whole.
I hope that someday when I am gone, someone, somewhere, picks up my soul up off these pages and thinks, “I would have loved her.
Nicole Lyons
Some days you just want to give up. You're surrounded by people everywhere. But you are so alone. Today is one of those days where maybe the world would be better off without you. (it's a thought I would not act on. but you wonder just the same). You feel as though no one would notice. I look at Facebook and I see family gatherings, even my own. I know there are group texts that I am not a part of, shopping trips I'm not a part of. And then you wonder why I don't want to do family gatherings. You lose your daughter, and everyone sees you as the strongest person in the world. And I guess I am. Because I have truly done this on my own. Other than my therapist, I have tried to figure out why. And also why I am alone in this awful horrible journey. A journey I didn't ask for and no longer want to be a member of this club. But I've not been given a choice.
Since losing Em, I have gotten more calls from recruiters than I have from my own family. Maybe once in 2 years I have received a call where someone ask how I'm doing.
I have tried hard to text other mothers who are on this same journey because I know how awful and lonely it is.
I question myself, maybe I'm asking too much. But really, is it too much to ask for your family or friends (what very few that I have), to just send a text saying that you love me and I'm thinking of you? Is that too much to ask for?
I guess it is. Everyone is scared to be close to you, because they may become you one day.
This is poem from Robert Frost that had such a different meaning to me years ago. But today it doesn't have the same meaning.
Nothing Gold Can Stay
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
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