So much darkness....

 The darkness surrounds me.  It gets darker and darker.  As the moments pass, I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay in bed and cover myself in the dark.  I am lost  and the harder I try to find myself the further away I go. To a place I've been before, to a place I don't want to go.  I just keeping going in that direction, faster and faster.  I don't know how to stop.  How do I turn around.  Where is someone to help me.  God help me!!! I don't want to go there again. It's so dark, so lonely, so hard to pull myself back. So hard to stay in the sunshine.  I know I have a good life and God you are good to me.  What makes me go here? How do I stop?  Why isn't there enough love here that will keep me from going?  When will you save me? How long do I have to suffer? Please God, make the hurt stop.  I want to be happy, I am tired of being sad.  If I have to go through this, please show me how to make it positive.  Lord save me!!!!

It's been 878 days since Em left us.  I'm still searching for peace.  Will that peace ever come?  The above is a description of where I am right now.  The fight is getting harder, and I am getting tired.  I have searched for answers, answers that I cannot find.  Hope that doesn't exist.  Time that is not stopping.  I try so hard to just function.  You may look at me and I have a smile on my face.  It's a smile I have learned to fake.  For those of you who suffer from depression, you completely understand.  But this darkness is so different.  It's a complete and total emptiness that will never change.  It's like those who lose an arm or a leg,  at times you believe it's there but in actuality it's not.  I don't know if someone grieves for that lost arm.  

My therapist says that the ultimate goal is acceptance.  I keep asking how do I get there?  Do you think it's possible?  I'm so afraid.  Because for me that acceptance is realizing and knowing that she's not coming back.  I don't know if I can get there and still be alive.  So much of me has died with Em.  I miss her joy, her smile and the light she brought to my world. I can't accept the reality of the world I am living in.  I don't understand why?  I don't know if I will ever be able to accept that and that there is a plan.  "God's timing is perfect".  How can that be?  Children were not meant to be buried by their parents.

That's not how the cycle of life works.  Why, why was Em chosen and how can I live without her!!

Everything that has occurred in the last two years doesn't make sense to what I've been taught as a christian. How can it be HIS plan?  How can anything positive come from darkness.  Em's death took the brightest light for her family and friends.

After 2 years, I wonder if I will be stuck in this dark place?  Is this what my life is going to be?  I know you may be saying that only I can change that.  But you don't understand.  The darkness envelopes you and pulls you down. Down, deeper into darkness.  It's too powerful to fight.  

I've learned to pretend I'm ok, but will I ever truly be ok again?  I want my Em back.  I want my sunshine back.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

                                        Robert Frost