Seeking Joy

 

How do you choose joy?

Show up and shut up 

Greatest witness is how you deal with pain.

It’s been 2 years and now my grief has become physical. Muscles are cramping and spasms are bad at times. It got so bad I saw one of the doctors in the ER. After a few days of muscle relaxers and torodol, I realize that no one can help me. It’s all internal. I have to find a way to fix me. Don said that I have no joy. That things are fun and I love being around my grand boys, but my joy is gone.  People say that I  am blessed and they will never know just how much I know that. 

Every where I turn, I hear God has a plan. I’ve lived by that for many years before losing Em. But everything is so clouded now. I look at where I’m at today and question if it’s where I need to be. Just walking into a hospital, having to check my temp, put on a mask are all triggers. It’s even harder when we have a critical patient and you see and hear the same things as I did standing by Em’s bed for the last time. I find it ironic how the same numbers keep coming up,

An O2 sat of 79, a heart rate at 33. Someone doing compressions, one pushing meds, someone else making sure that air gets into the lungs.  Or a doctor, calling the end to a code, an end to a life.

I’ve stood outside the door while this happened on older people and on a small 3 month old that didn’t get a chance to experience life. I’ve hurried down the hall to not hear the mother wail in grief. 

Maybe I expect too much out of myself. Do I continue to push myself to be that person, or is it time for me to walk away.  I don’t know the answer to that. I wished I could pray to have answers to those questions, but I can’t. I’m afraid of what those answers will be.

Three years ago I had it all figured out.  And now it’s like I’m starting over. I’m not just standing at two roads diverged but so many more. I stand peering down each, looking for my little girl, afraid to move. 

For those of us who have lost a child, getting up is still the hardest thing we have to do every day.

It’s hard to seek answers when you can’t asked the one you believe in. Yes I believe in God, but can’t ask for help. I believe with all my heart Em is in Heaven, so don’t ask me why I haven’t been able to

pray and ask for those things.  I don’t know why and can’t explain it. There are so many things I don’t understand anymore.

Just when I think I’m getting better and then it hits me and brings me to my knees.

To all of you that have supported me and will continue to, thank you. And thank you for your prayers!!