What we carry defines who we are.

 "What we carry defines who we are.  And the effort we make is our legacy."

                                                                    Mitch Albom

It is hard to keep smiling when you're spinning down deeper into darkness.  These spirals can come at anytime.  I have tried to prepare for the 2nd year of losing Em.  If you were to ask, I failed miserably.  But, to be honest, no one could have prepared for the days before.  I had scheduled time off starting with Em's birthday through the day she died.  Anyone that has experienced this can understand the mental aspect of every anniversary, birthday or days surrounding the lost of their child.

All my life I have heard, "things happen for a reason", "God will never give you more that you can handle".  As I have stated in previous blogs, I no longer believe this. 

When you lose a child you question everything.  I am no different.  I have questioned everything.  Taking my child to me, has no reason.  Putting all of this on me, hasn't made me stronger, more faithful or anything but short tempered, or just to the point that nothing here on this earth is important, to the point of feeling that no one cares.

On April 26, 2022, 2 days before Em's birthday, my aunt had a stroke.  Many of you know her.  She is 77 and has lived on her own for most of her life.  She has been independent for all those years.  Thankfully, she doesn't have any physical limitations, but she lost her peripheral vision which is a major restriction.  This made it where she could not go back home to live by herself.  While dealing mentally with the 2nd year of Em's death, I have been, with the help of my brother and sister and a cousin, dealing with finding an assisted living home, making arrangements for her bills, we have had to get everything to furnish her room.  Those things are just logistical issues, but mentally dealing with the issue of having to basically take all of my aunt's independence and belongings away from her, has been extremely hard.  We all know that it's the safest and best thing for her, but mentally it is very stressful.

I do have mental support, but many days, it's just not enough.

I still have to put that smile on my face because it's my mother's 80th birthday, Cam's second birthday and somewhere in the middle, I had a birthday and Mother's Day.  After 2020, my birthday, nor Mother's Day will never be the same.  I can't celebrate it like I did before 2020.

I am at the point where I will no longer explain or excuse my emotions or actions. If you ask a harsh question and get a harsh response don't expect an apology.  

Yes what we carry defines who we are.  I am no longer the mother, sister, friend or wife that I was before May 6, 2020.

I don't like me without you....