Trying to Find a New Normal

Another year has come and gone.  I don't feel as though I am any better now as I was when last year started.  My days still start with trying to motivate myself to just get out of bed.  Now I know many of you probably think that I should have moved on by now.  But grief doesn't work that way. 

One of the questions I like to ask during and interview is "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"  We all have visions, hopes and dreams.  I did too.  Two years ago during and interview, the question was ask of me? My answer was to be home with a house full of grandchildren.

Well, life doesn't always go the way you planned.  We all have hopes and dreams but many of my dreams are gone now.

During the holidays we have gotten many family pictures of beautiful families.  All complete or should I say full.  They're all beautiful but as I look at them and scroll past more and more, I know that mine will never be complete again.  There are many families like mine this year.  Our community has lost so many precious young people that were full of life and had so much to give and so much to live for.

As I watched many tributes of Demaryius, there was
not one person who did not say he was a much better person, than a football player.  Everyone talked about his infectious smile and how much he enjoyed making the children happy.   Even after he was gone, he had already planned Christmas for many children this year.

There are many times I go through Em's Facebook page and read the post of those she helped, of those she brought her bright smile and light too.

As my family starts another year without Em, we start it with another wonderful grandson.  Everyone had New Years resolutions and things they are gonna do better, but for those of us who are entering a new year without a child, again we will struggle to find a "normal".  We will struggle to move forward and try to find some happiness.  Grief is like depression, there are days that are good but the cloud is still there just waiting for the rain to pour down.

I know Em would tell be to find that happiness and not to let the darkness in.  I know as I try with new goals this year to do that, it will still be a struggle. 

In the words of Ben Swanson said about Demaryius 

"There is a vacuum now for his family, for everyone he made feel like family and for all those who loved him. That void and the grief that accompanies losing someone so utterly good, someone who was so easy to love, begs for an indication that he lingers on beyond his physical existence."

I have found myself thinking the same thing.  If I can add any positive to this at all, is that we all should try to live more my Em and Baybay did, smiling and thanking God for another day.

"I am gonna live with that joy"