"Follow your heart and love with all you have/are at any moment in your life. You won’t regret it if you learn from it. Grieving is a part of life and you are allowed to grieve when you feel the need and SHOULD NOT feel guilty for it. And your heart will break many, many times, but it’s ultimately up to you to pick up the pieces and put it back together each time."
This was in Em's last New Years Eve post from 2019. As I have written before, she went through more in her short 26 years than most will ever go through in a lifetime. I can't tell you how many times she picked up the pieces to her shattered life and put them back together.
Now here I am a year and a half later trying to do just that. I know my circumstances are different, however, she, unfortunately, knew the pain from losing a child. She had miscarried in August of 2019. But she still, picked herself up and carried on.
I have tried many ways to do just that. But I am still struggling miserably. I try to understand something I know I'm not meant to understand.
“This is the greatest gift God can give you: to understand what happened in your life. To have it explained. It is the peace you have been searching for.”
-Mitch Albom
I am searching for that peace. That peace I know will not come until I reach heaven. But in the meantime, I still have to figure out how to survive. I won't ever be the person I was before May 6, 2020. I hope I will come close to being that woman, but as time passes, I don't believe I will ever come close.
Death changes you. Death of a child stops your life on that day. For the past year and a half, I've been searching for answers. Searching for a normal. Searching for that woman I use to be.
During my darkest times Jeremiah 29:11 kept me going. "I have plans for you that are good.." Everyone says God has a plan for you. All I can say is this can't be his plan for me. This can't be all there is to my life. To live without my daughter. Sure you say, Jesus his only son died on the cross, and yes I believe that, but unfortunately, I am still human. I don't blame God, it's like I have said before, God gives people free-will and many doctors, nurses and other healthcare providers made poor choices that ended her life.
But that doesn't take away the emptiness, loneliness and the lost feeling that I have.
Everyday I get up and go through the motions looking for some sign, some direction to know I'm where I need to be. That is hard to decipher when you can't pray. I'm moving forward but can't see because of the darkness.
I don't understand when God tells me he knows my destiny. Is this my destiny? I want to know what his purpose is? How can the hurt be part of my destiny, part of the plans he has for me?
Mother's who have lost children have asked "how do you survive?" All I can say is that you build up a wall, and you tell yourself you are not going there, not today. But then, there are times when the darkness finds that tiny hole and goes through causing you to relieve that day over and over again. All the while you are thinking, what if I had done this, if only this, if, if, if.......
But no matter what question comes up, the answer still remains. Em's is not here and she's not coming back.
Probably the thing that remains for me right now is pure hatred. And I will warn you, that what I am about to say is truly how I feel. I'm tired of hiding my feelings so I don't hurt someone else's feelings. So if what I say here, angers you, then maybe you need to take a look at yourself and see how truthful you've been with YOU. I hate seeing everyone's family pictures, because mine is forever broken. I hate seeing happiness, especially in my own family. How can you be happy when I've lost my child. I'm angry when people say "what if it was your child?" and their child is still alive. If your child is still alive, you have hope. My hope is based on the life after. And guess what? IT WAS MY CHILD!!!
I am angry that there is not an outcry from families about hospitals and longterm care facilities being locked down again. I am angry because members of my family didn't support us when Em died, and didn't provide support after her service.
For the past year, I have had to do just what Em did, pick myself up all alone. I didn't need your bible verses, I didn't need your quotes, I didn't need your encouraging texts. But to be honest, I don't know why I am surprised. As passionately as I begged for understanding during Em's trying times, that understanding wasn't there. What I need was for you to say "I don't understand" and the sit and hold my hand when I cry. But you weren't there. There was no one.
If you want to say I have aired dirty laundry, then so be it. It's like I've stated in my other blogs, you can't hurt me more than the hurt I went through the day Em died and the hurt I've felt since. But don't worry, I know now where Em got her strength from.
My Dearest Em,
I tried so hard to protect you. It was difficult because you were as headstrong as me. I tried to do what was
best for you those days you were in the hospital. I know in some ways I failed you. I also made poor decisions
and left you there alone, but honestly, I truly thought you were in the best place.
Dad and I have been cleaning out old things and today he came across your memory book from when you were
in the 8th grade. There were 2 letters written to you, one from Dad and one from me. My letter ended with me
telling you how proud I was of the strong woman you had become. How little did I know how strong you would truly become.
Our lives will forever be altered without you.
Love Mom
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