"It has been said that 'time heals all wounds'.....

 "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.  But it's never gone."

                                                                                            Rose Kennedy

In the past month I have talked with 2 mothers that have recently lost their children.  One mother doesn't know how they died and the other is just from an evil act by an evil person that took a life.  I'm no expert on grief.  I am not sure anyone is, no matter how long it's been.  Rose Kennedy's statement is one of the most realistic one.  Unless you've been through this, you can't even begin to comprehend how your life changes.  You are no longer the same person.  You are a mother without a child.  Your connection you had with your husband, other children, sisters, brothers, mother all changes.   The first couple of weeks are a blur you don't even remember anything.  You sit on your front row and listen to the preacher tell you the things that the Bible says, "there is a time to harvest....",  "ashes to ashes, dust to dust".   They sincerely give you advice on comfort. None of what you remember other than you've heard it at other funerals.  Just not one for your only precious daughter who was gone at such a young age of 26.

As the days go by, people mean well by trying to give advice.  "You have so much to be thankful for".  "She's in a better place."  "It's all part of God's plan".  All you want to do at that time is to scream and tell them that that you don't care about any of those things!!! You just want your child back.  Literally, you can't breathe!! You walk in the darkness, wondering if it will go away.  These mom's have asked me, "Will there be a day that I won't cry?"  "How do you do it?" "You are so strong!"

What you don't know is, we are not strong.  We don't want to live anymore without our child.  We don't want to get out of bed.  We want one more drink, 5 is not enough to numb the pain, 10 is not enough to numb the pain.  We wonder what day it is?  As we drive down the road, we get lost as to where we are.  Where we were going?

And then reality starts to set in.  You come out of the fog enough to realize who your true friends are.  Who the ones that said they would be there,  no matter what, are there.  You realize how weak or strong, those blood ties are with your family.  As the time goes by, they all believe you are ok and that they can say how they feel or what they think and "you should be ok" with that.  That everything in their lives is much more important than the loss of your child.  "Get over it", "You've got to move on".

As I type this, I have to hold my tongue, as they say, so I don't use foul language!!  For all of you that think that losing a child is the same as having one that is being estranged from, you have lost your mind!!  When your child is alive, there is always HOPE!! When you lose your child, the only HOPE you have is being with them in the after life.  That's all based on what they believed before the died and what you believe before you die.

What I have learned in the last year and a half, is that no one, unless they have lost a child, understands how you feel.  And some of the really don't care and are tired of your posts on missing your child and just can't understand why you can't move on!  Yes, you may have lost a niece, nephew, granddaughter, but you haven't lost a child.  One you carried in your stomach for 9 months.  One that you exchanged oxygen, blood, emotions, and life with for 9 months.  I don't really care if you believe otherwise, unless you've been where I have been and where I am now, you DON'T KNOW!!

I have literally and physically lost a part of me and my soul.  I am not the same person I was before May 6, 2020.  I don't believe the same, I don't have faith anymore, I don't have hope anymore,  I don't have dreams anymore, I don't have aspirations.  I don't and can't pray anymore.  (I still believe).  I'm never truly happy.  I have guilt for ever having the slightest hint of happiness.  My life is forever changed.

I'm tired of being avoided.  You don't have to say anything, just ask me about Em and what kind of person she was, and I can talk all day about how precious her life was, not just to me, but to many, many people.

I'm tired of people telling me how to be happy.  Have you been in my shoes? Then don't tell me how to be happy!! For me, happy doesn't exist anymore. Yes, I love my grandson, my son, my daughter-in-law and my husband!  But, they go through some of the same emotions that I do.  They all know how much I love them.  My love for them hasn't changed.  Just my entire life......