It's not about the strength of holding on.....

 It's been 540 days since I last talked to Em and today I am emotionally spent.  I have nothing more to give to anyone.  For the first few weeks you have family that is around and ask how you are doing and then everyone leaves.  So it's just Don and I left alone.  Those 2 months the biggest decsion I had to make was if I was going to get out of bed.  Most days I did and ended up on the couch for the rest of the day.  As time went on I found things to work to help advocate for families with loved one in the hospitals that were locked down.  I fought hard to help pass HB290 to prevent this from happening again.  Unfortunately that was a losing battle.

What I've learned is I have no control on not one single thing in my life anymore.  I've realize that there were many people that could have advocated for Em and chose not to.  I learned that the Florida Medical Board is not interested in make physicians responsible for their actions.  I've also learned that the law is no ou to protect victims rights.

Over the past year, there have been monthly court appearances for the driver that hit Em.  Due to circumstance beyond the district attorney and of course myself, actions were made that pushed this case in a direction neither of us wanted or could control.  Month after month, I zoomed in as I sat alone at my kitchen talbe or on the couch, only to hear that there was anothe extension.  Other than the day we gave our impact statements, no one except Sebastian logged in.  No one asked how things were preceeding.  No one asked how I was doing.

The days I cleaned out Em's room, there was no one there to help me.  No one to make sure I was ok.  No one asked if I needed help or was ok doing it.  Again, a task I was left to do.

I attend a grief group now and when I say how people I considered friends turn the other way, or stare straight ahead when I pass in front of the so they don't have to speak, I get the same response, maybe they don't know what to say.  You know if there had not been so many lossed in our community, I might could see that, but I don't.

One thing I do know is that you can turn and walk the other way when you see me, you can choose to stare ahead so you don' have to speak.  I can come to your house for a birthday get together and you can completely act as if I don't exist.  You can choose to exclude me, but one thing I can tell you YOU CAN'T DO, YOU CAN'T HURT ME MORE THAN I'VE BEEN HURT BY MY LOSS.

You see at this point, I have nothing to be afraid of losing.  I'm not afraid of dying and I'm not afraid of being alone.

You see my emotional support has come from women I don't even know.  Women I've never meet and have never seen.  You see they lost children too and have been treated like leapers by their own communites.  Having them reach out to me has been a life line.

So "What do you do after you've given all that you have and you have nothing left to give.  After you've tried and you've tried, after you've cried and cried?  And finally that day comes when you realize that this is not how you wanted to live your life....what do you do? You see, sometimes it's not about having the strength to hold on, it's about having the courage to let go"

l'm letting go.......