Hope.....

Someone asked me if I wonder what Em is doing and I said yes, constantly.  What I imagine is that she's spending her days sitting in a rocking chair rocking her baby, watching the sun rise and set.  She's telling her baby all about the people that will be coming some day to see them.  She will also be singing, but now she has a voice of an angel.  A soft voice that gently flows until the baby sleeps.  I imagine her and my Aunt Martha picking flowers in the field.  Or she is wrapped up in her blanket asleep next to grandma.  Somedays I imaging her fishing with Granddaddy and Uncle Marvin and Melvin.

But to be painfully honest, I pretend she is somewhere here on earth with her friends, driving and singing.

You can tell yourself what you know in your heart to be true, is that she is in Heaven.  Healed, no more pain, no more tears.  But that part of my heart she took with her won't let my tears stop.  It won't let my heart heal.  You just want one more day, one more hug, one more kiss on the cheek, one more I love you.

There are times when maybe I got this figured out, maybe that fog is lifting.  That today is the day I will fill whole again.  But it just doesn't come.  

The loss of a child will challenge you to lengths you never knew existed.  It challenges your friendships, work relationships, relationships with your family and definitely challenges you with with people who mean well, but have no idea what this pain feels like.  It is my belief that no matter how strong your faith was before, it will be challenged like it has never been before.

A very good friend left me a note:

    "“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all"

        Emily Dickinson

It is my hope that one day my pain will lesson and my faith will be restored.  My tears will be joy and my heart will be whole.