No It's Heaven....
When Don, Sebastian and I left the hospital, the ride back to the house was quiet. At my feet were the belongings Em' had and the boot she was given for her broken foot. Also included was her t-shirt and shorts that they cut off of her when she entered the ER. As we drove, we all were still in shock, a fog that would not lift.
When we entered the house, we all went our separate ways. I ended up in the bathroom attempting to throw up anything in my stomach which was nothing. My grief and tears would not stop. I felt as though someone had reached down into the depths of my soul and removed vital part. A part I didn't believe I could live without. I curled up on the floor waiting for someone to come pick me up off the floor. But there was no one. We all were alone in separate rooms dying from our grief. I don't know how long I stayed there until I finally picked myself up off the floor. The fog was so heavy. I went to the refrigerator and grabbed a beer. I just needed to numb the pain. Pain that my body felt and my mind was fighting. I was dreaming and soon I would wake up to the sun and a beautiful day.
I grabbed a beer and went to find Don and Sebastian. I knew when I saw them I would realize it was a dream. They would tell me Em was ok. She was getting better. I would be able to talk with her tomorrow.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I walked outside to the fire pit where they had lit a fire. As I looked at each of them I saw the same expression on their faces I had just seen on mine in the mirror. Their eyes were red from crying. I realized my nightmare was real. Everything I saw and went through during the day was real. That Em was no longer with us. It was about that time that Doyle, Julie and Dale arrived. The heartache began again. The disbelief none of us wanted to believe that Em was no longer with us.
I drank that night until I could no longer drink anymore. Somehow, I poured myself into bed to get some rest. Rest that just would not come.
In the morning Treasure and Mary arrived to be with us. We all packed in silence. I'm not sure who drove back with whom. I know I drove my car and Dale rode with me because we had to stop by Gainesville on the way back. Doyle and Julie followed us. It was only a 2 hour drive, but it seemed like it was all day. When we arrived at the apartment, I went in to find something to bury Em in. I had something in mind, but trying to find it was one of the most difficult task I have ever had to do. Unless you have been in that situation before, you will never imaging how difficult that was.
The drive back home was the longest drive of my life. All I could think about was how could I be making a trip home without my daughter. How could I have left her cold being held in a refrigerator in the morgue? All I could imagine is her cold, alone with an ID tag tied to her toe for identification. She was sent to the corner's office for an autopsy. Being medical, I know what happens. A Y incision is made on her chest. Tissue is taken from her lungs, her heart and other organs. After her autopsy, the organ donation team came to harvest any viable tissue available for donation. Thankfully some tissue and her corneas were able to be harvested for transplant.
Harvested. What an unusual word they use to remove organs for donation. Being a farmer's daughter harvest time was a time of joy. Of harvesting the crop you worked all year to grow.
I write these blogs not to be graphic of our situation but to detail what my grief is like. When you lose a child your circle of people you can talk to and have them understand grows very, very small. Yes, all those that lost Em live with their grief which is much different than a mother's. A mother carried their child for 9 months. We ate well to nourish their growth and to ensure they were healthy. We nursed them when they were born. An intimate bonding that is done between a mother and child.
For me, I was blessed with other mother's that reached out to me. One that is there day after day. Sending me prayers and kind words to help me. She's a friend and has been a life line for me and I will always love her and my gratitude can never be repaid to her. So I reach out to other mothers, just like she and many others did for me. We have become members of a group we never chose or wanted to be a part of. But this was not our plan nor our choice. It's a pathway that we've been given to go down. We make choices on what that pathway looks like. For me, I make those choices day to day. Many days I wake up with a tremendous need to talk to Em. Sometimes I send a text to her phone telling her how much I love her and miss her. Other days, I fight the overwhelming grief that is determined to take over.
Below is a letter I dream of Em writing, telling me about Heaven. I believe with all my heart she's in Heaven and we will be reunited.
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