Missing Someone...

Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will.

I came across this while scrolling through Em’s notes on her iPad. I don’t agree with the “easier” part of this quote but today I am closer to seeing her again and that does make me happy.

It’s been a year and to be honest I don’t know how any of us have lived through losing her.  Time doesn’t make it easier, it allows you to make that wall stronger with each day. You never know when you are gonna lose control of the tears but they always come back.

I’ve slept in her bed on those hard nights thinking it will make me closer to her.  It helped even though I cried all night.

What are the five stages of grief?

    Denial

    Anger

    Bargaining

    Depression    

    Acceptance

I don’t agree with the stages. I don’t believe I will go through a couple of them.  There is no denying that Em is not here with us.  For me that is more factual than I care to admit.  Do I pretend she is somewhere with friend? Everyday.  And in reality the Christian reality that I believe in, she’s in a much better place than that.  Does that make me feel better, it gives me peace, but it doesn’t ease the pain of her loss.  That will not go away, ever.  

Anger, my anger came very quickly.  Actually before she had passed.  I was angry because I had not done more, the doctors and nurses did not protect her.  I was angry at the pastor who was suppose to be there for support who got up and left and never tried to comfort me.

Bargaining. There again that is like the denial.  I know there is nothing I can bargain or sacrifice to bring her back.  I would have done that the day she had the accident if I could.

Acceptance.  What is acceptance? I’m not sure what that means.  Yes the reality of it is real, but do we ever truly accept that we will not see them again?

When you lose a child you try to rationalize what has happened. You read other stories in hopes that you can find some of the answers to the questions you can’t even verbalize.  I read a couple of books and to be honest it made me angry.  Because deep down, my hurt was different.  It was intimate to me because it was my child. Yes I think we all have some of the same questions and feelings but I don’t want anyone to tell me how I should feel.  How do you know how my heart is hurting?

The people who deal well with grief create a place in their mind and their spirit where they are well and they live from that place.  It’s the only way to survive.

Some advice that I would like to offers to those who want to comfort.  The main thing is offering your sympathy.  For me, it hurt when people didn’t acknowledge our loss.  I know we don’t know the right things to say, because there isn’t anything anyone can ever say that will take that hurt away.  I know some of this I’ve even said before losing Em.  Never say “it will be ok”.  Because the truth is, you will never be ok.  Someone said “when a child dies, it’s always nature backwards.”  As parents we prepare ourselves to die first.  I have all my funeral plans written down. We don’t plan to bury our children.

Moving on is also something that you shouldn’t say.  How do you move on from the most tragic event in your life?  Usually all children’s deaths are unplanned or painful after a long battle for life.  You move forward.  Moving on is like saying “their life was a small event in time”.

You have so much to be thankful for.  How well I know.  I had Em to be thankful for, but should I be thankful she is no longer here and is in a better place?  That doesn’t ease any pain.  She was one of the most precious daughter that was in my life and now she’s gone.  Yes I have a new grandson, but he doesn’t replace her.  Yes he’s a joy and would have been a joy to Em as well.  Losing a child, you are reminded everyday to be thankful.

I have learned a lot of things in the last year.  I still have many questions with no answers.  I still have days where getting up is the hardest thing I will do that day.  I’ve learned that what I believed before may not be what I believe today.  I’ve learned that God does truly give everyone free will.  Every choice we make will affect something or someone.  Whether it’s thinking we can text and drive.  That one choice could have far reaching consequences that we didn’t consider when we put our phone in our hand to send that one text.  One second can change a family, a community, a country or a world.  We must learn to choose wisely.

As of now I listen to Lauren Daigle's song Hold On to Me and it describes where I am. Many prayers are still needed.

We Miss you Em!!!

“Hold on to me when it’s to dark to see You 

When I am sure I have reached the end

Hold on to me when I forget I need You

When I let go, hold me again”

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,

for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

Isaiah 40:31 New International Version (NIV)

31

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.