Trying to Have a Little Faith

 “You have to start over. That’s what they say. But life is not a board game, and losing a loved one is never really “starting over.” More like “continuing without.” 

― Mitch Albom, First Phone Call from Heaven

There is no end to the pain.  It's always there and can attack you at anytime of the day or night with no warning.  You never know when something is said, you see something that makes you remember what you don't have.  You can't watch TV, listen to the radio or even carryon a conversation without some reflection of how you lost your daughter.  I guess that is even more evident being that I work in healthcare.  

With every beep of a monitor, every pulse of a respirator, every time you hear a "Code Blue" you flashback to the nightmare you wished you could wake up from.

The most difficult choice Don and I will ever make, is to tell the doctor you want to make your daughter a DNR.  What is a DNR, it stands for "Do Not Resuscitate".  This should not have to been done for a youthful 26yr old who has the rest of their life to live.  In my mind it should be for the very elderly who is at the end of their life.  But unfortunately, in the world we live in, many families have to make these decisions for their loved ones.  It's the hardest thing a parent can ever do.  

I have written a lot about putting my faith in God, but let me be honest, I'm not sure my faith is in him anymore.  I'm angry.  How can a loving and caring God take Em away from the one thing she was so excited for, Cam?  When I question my feelings, I have to remind myself that He sacrificed the same for me and I try to understand.  But I'm only human.  I'm not the Alpha and Omega.  I'm some small speck of a human showing my humanity through my pain in writing.

I'm not meant to understand, however I still question.  I question God on why and I question all the doctors and nurses "Why did you not advocate for my daughter? What if that was your family member?  Is the treatment my daughter got the same treatment you would have given your family? I THINK NOT!"

I blame all the doctors and nurses that were supposed to advocate for Em.  They made a decision to "DO NO HARM"!!     But as everything has gone in the "COVID PANDEMIC" there is no law.  People are free to loot, murder, isolate loved ones.  Just say "It's because of COVID".

Covid didn't take my daughter's life, the doctors and nurse that were "supposed" to care for her and advocate for her took her life.  You took a precious daughter from a great father.  His heart will forever be broken.

I hope they can never go to sleep without Em being a memory of what they didn't protect.