“We cannot stop what Heaven chooses.” ― Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper

Just the other day I asked a close friend "How did we get here?".  My family has been through so much and still have more to go through.  When Em passed, time stopped for us.  Even though we continued to go through the motions, time was standing still. I have my ups and downs and the past two weeks have been hard.  I can tell you that I have not processed all of this.  I have built up a wall.  Wall that protects me from the hurt.  The hurt I don't want to feel.  A realization I don't want to live.  There are times when I ask myself, how do I go on?  Many people offer suggestions such as faith.  After everything that has happened, my faith has been weakened.  Yes,  I know in my heart that God is with me, however, that hasn't made anything easy.  I've read books that people have suggested.  But to be honest, they all make me angry.  Angry that someone can tell me what I am supposed to feel, what stages of grief I am to go through.  It's like someone has pushed their way in to what I feel is an intimate feeling.  A feeling I'm not ready to share, a feeling I'm not ready to go through!!  I'm not ready to believe that Em is gone and is never coming back.  

We all have plans for our lives.  Mine was to come home and raise my grandchildren.  Now that has all changed.  Yes, I have a grandson that fills my heart with joy, but also sadness.  Sad because he will never know the joy of having known his Aunt Em and the love she had for him.  Do you know how many places she would have taken him already?  

No, we cannot stop what Heaven chooses.  People say that God never gives us more than we can handle, however, if you read the KJ version:

"There hath no temptation taken hold of you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful; He will not suffer you to be tempted beyond that which ye are able to bear, but with the temptation will also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

There is nothing in that verse that says he will never give you more that you can handle, "he will not suffer you to be tempted beyond that which ye are able to bear,"

When losing a child or any loved one, you must go on, you're not given a choice.  I have gone through the motions and will continue to be strong.  However, my strength is fading and I know sooner or late I will break.  I've come close but have been able to keep myself together for now.

I've tried to put Em's story in the public eye to motivate hospital administrators to wake up and realizing they are hurting the patients more than they are protecting them from COVID.  People are not going to the hospital and getting COVID, they are getting it on the outside.  However, patients are dying from other causes on the inside and most families have no idea.

“Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can’t. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. an alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out.” 
― Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper