The First Blank Page

 As last year ended I was glad to see that decade go.  It started with losing my grandmother in 2003, then Don's mother in 2004, Uncle Marvin, Daddy, Aunt Betty, Aunt Janice, Uncle Melvin as well as Don's grandfather, cousin and uncle.  The decade also brought troubles with in our marriage along with my addictions and Em's addiction.  So I was glad to see that decade go.  I knew that 2020 would bring me my first grandchild and I had prayed that God would send Em someone that loved her as much as her grandaddy and daddy did.  And he answered by prayer by bringing Sebastian back in to Em's life.  When COVID hit, it was something that our family as well all others learned how to deal with.  Spring had arrived with fresh blooming flowers and warm sunny days.  God had been telling me for months then, that he had plans for me.  As I was faced with a few challenges, Jeremiah 29:11 kept popping up on my daily devotion.  I had faith, he had always brought us through our troubles and valleys. Then we got that call that no parent wants to get.  Em had been hit by a car while crossing the street.  As we rushed to get to her, but were denied access to see her.  I was told she had many major injuries but was stable.  I don't know how many times I said "she may have injuries, but I still have my little girl."  We were told that she had along road to recovery with many more surgeries and rehab.  We were told that she probably would not be able to work for a year.  I made the necessary plans and took leave from my job.  Not knowing when I could go back to work and how we were going to get through this financially.  But we did what every parents would do.  We dug our feet in and were determined we were not going to leave Daytona until Em could leave with us.  I never ever once thought that we would be leaving soon with her, but not in the way we had planned.

The ride from Daytona is a long ride and even longer when you know your daughter will be brought back by a funeral home.  As we arrived home, we were blessed to have close family and friends waiting on us. However, reality never set in and to be honest it still hasn't and I don't know if it will.  Because for me to face reality, I have to face the fact that I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I will never see my precious Em again until we meet in Heaven.

For me, things did not end with her service. There were legal issues I had to deal with.  Don just wasn't emotionally able to.  I had to look through her medical records and autopsy report to see the true reason why she is no longer here because we were never told anything.  I was not there to make sure that symptoms she was having that were life threatening were being address.  I never spoke to a physician.  Yes he called me to tell me she had aspirated and was intubated and moved back to the ICU.  He never told me, she was not stable and that she had coded 2 times.  Once for 30 minutes and another for 45 minutes. Thanks to Treasure, she called and realized that Em was not going to make it when the nurse gave her Em's vitals signs.

As we raced back to the hospital I prayed that God will not take my baby.  When we entered her room I quickly went to her side to hold her hand and talk to her.  But when I grabbed her had, there was not a squeeze from her no matter how had I squeezed and begged her to fight. Her had was cold. As I stood by her, watching the machines breathe for her, monitors for her heart rate, blood pressure and oxygen level.  I prayed so hard for her oxygen level to keep going up. Her level was under 80 even on a ventilator but never got higher. You hear the ventilator pump and exhale for her, you watch her heart rate monitor.  And as I watch the nurse work and begin to work faster, her heart rate started dropping.  When it reached 32 bpm, we were escorted out and she went into cardiac arrest.  I collapsed in the hallway, knowing that I would never see her again.  Having been in the medical field I knew in my heart she was not going to stay stable.  But I could never tell Don that.  I had to wait for him to come to that conclusion.  There was no way I could tell him we had let her go.  A daughter's first love is her father who has more love for her than any may could ever have.  After several more codes, he came to the same conclusion that I did.  I knew the trauma her body had from the accident and the trauma she endured with each code. Through our tears, we made the decision to let her go.  As her vitals signs started to trend down, Don and Sebastian went to be by her side.  I could not bring myself to watch.  I have some regrets that I was not there for her in her last moments.  But ironically, Em aspirated on the day she was born and the day she died.  I never saw her take her first breath and I could not watch her take her last.

Since then, I have wondered, when she aspirated was she frightened?  Did she know what was happening? Was she in pain? The thought of her suffering and being frightened is more than I can bare.  I have guilt because I should have been more forceful to make them let me stay with her. I should have been there to protect her.  That's what Moms do, but I was never given the chance.

I know this is a day to make New Years resolutions and to celebrate the past year.  To look favorably for the next year and happiness.  That's hard to do when I know I have to do that knowing Em will not be here.

People say I am strong.  I don't know about that. See you don't see me when I'm lying in my bed curled in a fetal position mourning her.  There are many nights I cry myself to sleep. Many days when I don't want to go on without her.  To be able to hear her say she loves me.  To see her beautiful smile.

The saying goes, that God will never give you more than you can handle.  But in my opinion that is not true.  You are just not given a choice.  It's like a friend of my said that lost her brother this year, the world moves on, while yours is stuck in time.

Part of me is glad to see this year go.  But I wish that I could wake up in the morning and it be January 2020.  Then I could believe that this year was just a nightmare.  However I know that is not true.

Time doesn't heal this type of pain.  You learn how to build up a wall so tight so that horrible pain can't get in.  But that pain and grief is like the devil, sooner or later if figures out a way to get in and break you down just one more time.

For the last 9 years I believed Jeremiah 29:11.  However, it's hard to believe that this is his plan for my life.  My pain will never go away. It will creep back like a stalker in the night.

Going through this, my faith is being tested.  I've numbed myself from trying to believe anything.  I question why this happened to Em and our family.  Why Cam her nephew and Kase have to grow up without the joy of their precious Em. 

Brad Paisley Quoted "Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

It's not the first page I worry about, it's the middle pages that frighten me now.