My next Journey

 In Mitch Albom’s book Chika there is a quote “you can have more than one journey...” Well this is a journey I would not have chosen and truly don’t want to be on.  In May of 2019, I had finally convinced Em to come live with me in Gainesville.  Since the time she got back home in 2016, nothing had been easy for her.  She came home after a failed marriage and suffering from severe PSTD.  To say that year was a challenge for our family is a mild characterization of that year.  After months of therapy and her head strong determination, she was growing and getting better day by day.  These were her most dark days many people never saw.  She always kept them inside and struggled with anxiety and depression but was determined she was gonna manage without medication and she did.  She tried to make good choices and struggled when those choice turned out bad.  She never wanted to be seen as a failure.  Over the next 3 years, each day she got closer to the happy girl she once was.  So in May of 2019, she moved to Gainesville with me.  She found a job working as a receptionist for Brazilian Wax.  She had a wonderful manager that mentored her.  In July of 2019, she surprised me when she found out she was pregnant.  I was happy, truly happy.  No it wasn’t the best circumstances or a good time.  But after our conversation, Jeremiah 29:11 popped up as the verse for the day.  “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”  I knew then everything was going to be ok.  In August, she had an OB appointment for an 8 week checkup.  I was excited but was not able to go with her.  She had gone home to Dublin because her appointment was in Macon.  That night she called me crying because she had started bleeding.  I tried to calm her and told her to go to her appointment the next day.  Since I could not go, Don went with her.  It was not good, she had lost the baby and was devastated.  Again that day, Jeremiah 29:11 popped up on my phone.  I talked with her and tried to comfort her.  Of course, I had no idea how she was feeling, because that had never happened to me.  But again at her darkest moment she was much stronger than I could ever imagine.

In March of this year, the same time the pandemic happened, she had reconnected with a classmate from school.  They had been in school together since elementary.  March was when her baby was due so she had taken some time off from work to do something fun and try to forget her loss.  It was then that Sebastian came back into her life and he changed everything.  They went to Disney before it closed and from then on, they were inseparable.  The twinkle was back in her eye and her beautiful smile returned.  I had not seen her that happen in years.  I had prayed for a long time that God would send her someone who loved her like her Daddy and Granddaddy did, and that was Sebastian.

It’s been almost 4 months now on my next journey.  It is quite and sad.  Her bags are still in the same place they were when we arrived back home.  Most days Don and I pretend she is with her friends like she usually was.  It’s easier that way, but then when the reality of her not walking back in the door sets in, the grief is unbearable.  It’s like I can breathe or catch my breathe.  Everyone says it gets better with time, but at this point I really find that hard to believe. And of course I don’t want to think of my life without her. I miss her smile, her infectious laugh, her pictures and videos she was always making.

“Maybe when you put your loved ones down on paper, you forever accept that reality of them and maybe I don’t want to accept this reality, that she’s gone, the words on paper are all I get”.

Mitch Album