“But a life had been exchanged for a life...”

 “But a life had been exchanged for a life.  And heaven is always watching.”

            Mitch Albom

April 29, 2020 - Emily was hit by a car

May 6, 2020- one week later Emily passes

May 15, 2020 - Emily’s service

May 22, 2020 - Cam my grandson was born

“One day can bend your life” Mitch Albom

In Mitch’s book One More Day, he states that one day can bend your life.  He never said that they would come one a week for a month.

As some of you know, I’ve been journaling for many years.  Words have been an outlet for me and I quote Mitch Albom.  I can relate to how writing and find many are truthful in the way I feel.  

Everyone usually has New Years resolutions.  I never made any but as we started a new decade I had hope for the future.  My first journal for this year started out as a thank you that the last decade was over! I was looking forward to 2020.  Having Em with me in Gainesville and a new grandson, 2020 was gonna be good. I had gone over all the bad that had happened in the last 10 years, 20 to be exact.  Of course there were good days, but many many more bad.  I could not imagine 2020 being any worse.

I guess you should be careful what you wish for.  As for the statement “a life has been exchanged for a life”.  I don’t know if I believe that.  It’s like believing that everyone has a time to go. I don’t believe that anymore.  I just don’t believe it was Em’s time to go. 

I have heard others who have lost children say that life just stops for you while everyone else expects you to quickly go back to normal.  I’ve always been that “fixer” not matter if it was work, home, or extended family.  I could usually figure it out.  But now, I just don’t know.  There are days when I just can’t think.  My mind just won’t function.  I can’t answer questions to things I know.  I can’t describe how I feel.  It’s hard when my family ask if there is anything they can do, because all I can say is there’s nothing anyone can do.

I don’t know how to breathe.  I don’t know how to make my heart beat anymore.  You can tell me she’s in a better place.  That she has no pain.  You can tell me she’s not coming back. But someone please tell me how I take this hurt away.